Mojoe Row

Joe Phelps

April 15, 2007

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I don't wanna hear another person complain about Arkansas being behind the times. I'm tired of hearing people complain about the supposed lack of things to do in Arkadelphia. If you don't like Henderson or Arkadelphia, just leave. The extra parking space would be great to have. It would also be nice to be able to cross the street without waiting on some lame white boy who is taking his precious time driving down the street in an oversized pickup truck with a Confederate flag bumper sticker, all while he's blasting Mike Jones from his 12" speakers. Where do these cretins come from? I was one of a whopping seven or eight people that attended Taylor Mali's performance last Tuesday night (I'm not including the SAB members because they were probably required to be there). Oh, let me guess-you don't know who the hell Taylor Mali is? He's that slam poet guy whose flyers were posted all over the Garrison last week. I had to be there to write an article about him (an article that no one will read because their eyes will be glued to CSI or whatever is on the tube), but I would have gone regardless of my assignment. What about Redneck Superhero Jason Carney? He was yet another talented poet who may as well not have come thanks to a low attendance rate. And how about student art shows? I hear this all the time: "There's nothing to do around here." Take a walk. Fly a kite. Go to the river and just daydream. Think about the world and admire how complex but perfect nature is. It would do you some good to do so if you're a mindless, alcoholic couch potato-or even if this article doesn't pertain to you. For those who I am not attacking, keep up your good daydreaming. The truth is that there's plenty to do around here. People are just too cool to participate or attend anything that has to do with something like poetry or art shows. When someone from another culture-Northerners in particular-makes a joke or comment about Arkansas or Southern culture, it never fails for someone to say, "You gotta keep in mind: we're from (and this is where they throw in an exaggerated Southern draw) Arrrr-kin-sawww. We can't help it." I love the way some people present themselves. I would love to lunge at and stab the eyes out of the next person who makes another cliched joke about incest in Arkansas. Have a dose of your own medicine: the joke is BORING and lifeless. It was only funny the first two years I heard it. The least you could do is find something else to joke about. These are the same people that don't even try to defend stereotypes. They just think their lives would be so much greater if they were to reside in another state. I got news for you: it would be the same boring, unproductive life-only in a different state. If you don't like Arkansas, just go to Texas where everything is so much bigger and so much better. If you have a problem with the South in general, go to New York and see how long your country-lovin' ass will last. I'll give you a month before you're homesick. If you hate the weather here, go live in Hawaii-and pay $1,000 a month to rent a one-room efficiency apartment. I say take it or leave it. Quit complaining about Arkansas. People say there's a lack of culture in Arkansas and its citizens. No, there's a lack of culture in the lives of most people around here because most of the people that complain about a lack of culture are the people that ignore the opportunities to actually grab life by the gonads. They are too busy playing mind-rotting video games and watching American Idol. REAL CULTURE! Arkadelphia is what the people make it. You want a boring city? You have a boring city. You want a whiff of culture? You'll get a whiff of culture. Regarding any criticisms of the South, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a simple mind. The problems lie within those that have a closed mind. My appreciation goes out to those Arkansans or anyone else who ponders the small wonders of everyday life. And for those of you that read my opinions and don't like them, just go back to drinking your beer and playing Halo. Or better yet, leave. Now. Please.

Student responds to editorial, Murphy Oil Scholarship

Marie Martin

March 11, 2007

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This editorial is a response to the editor's remarks in the Feb. 26 issue of The ORACLE. An undergraduate degree is only devalued when alumni accept mediocrity in their professional lives. Graduates are the ones who bear most of th...

Dysfunction Junction

Mary Martindale

March 5, 2007

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-Six Feet Under- Monday night at 8 central time on Bravo -The Soprano's- Wednesday night at 8 central time on A & E Trailer for Six Feet Under, " I want to kill my mother, my sister's on meth and my mother's a whore" Trailer for the Soprano's, "TBA" This blog site is dedicated to two original HBO series "Six Feet Under" and "The Soprano's." Each week I will discuss at least (1) episode of each show. Mon., Jan. 29 Episode: Death by Blue Ice Written by: Jill Soloway Tonight Analina Horanssen died. She was on the phone with her husband. The funny thing is that bird shit falling on your head is suppose to be good luck according to the Italians. Not for the Horanssen family, well, I think they were Russian. After watching several episodes of the show I have decided to count the number of alcoholic beverages consumed per show. Every time Nate swigs down a Budweiser I crave one myself. This isn't really the show to watch, if you are a recovering alcoholic, not that I am. But the cold beers really look good, wish I had one tonight. I watched "Six Feet" for nearly 3 hours, but I am only writing about one episode tonight. I am going to call the alcoholic consumption count "Cheers." Not so much for the show that bares the name but for the town the original pub is located in Boston, Mass., which incidentally, has nothing to do with the Fisher's. Tonights count, 3 beers and 1 tequila shot. If I really become dysfunctional I may drink the same number as them each episode. We'll see, I haven't done it yet. If someone wants to take up the honors of doing so let me know. Anyway, Mrs. Horanssen died after Blue Ice fell on her head. I have heard about Blue Ice before and looked up the statistics of the occurrence. Mr. Horanssen said there was a great corporate cover-up and that it happens all the time. Blue Ice is created by a leaky commercial airplanes lavatory waste tank, according to Wikipedia. The ice randomly falls tens of thousands of feet and sometimes kills people. There have been 27 reported cases between 1979 and 2003. According to Wikipedia, the show's mention of the phenomenon was the first time many had heard of the blue chuck of frozen shit. Lisa Fisher is still missing.

Trampled Underfoot

Mitchell Allgood

March 5, 2007

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What liberals call global warming, conservatives call climate change. Civilian deaths are now referred to as collateral damage, porn stars are adult entertainers and truck stops have become travel plazas. Aiding in the decline o...

Life

Drew Garrison

February 26, 2007

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It took me 5 years, but I am finally drawing near to the end of my college experience. I thought I would never see this day. The odds were against me due to the fact that my parents never went to college. My dad went straight in...

What is and what should never be

Mitchell Allgood

February 19, 2007

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I want to clear the air about my feelings concerning the Clean Air Act, banning smoking from all indoor establishments whose clientele is not 21-and-over. Fine, I bear no grudge with this, as surprising as that may seem. I unde...

Hustle and “No”

Dawan Morgan

February 19, 2007

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Last night I watched Terence Howard's first starring role in Hustle and Flow. I'm very impressed and very disappointed at the same time. I'm impressed in Terence Howards performance in this film. He plays a character so well that you...

Plumber’s Butt University

Dawan Morgan

February 12, 2007

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Over the course of the two decades of my life, I've seen many different fashion statements. Fashion is something that changes almost every second. Sagging pants, ripped pants, baggy pants and even camouflage pants were fashionab...

The European

Ross Ellis

February 12, 2007

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As Rob became more involved in the pub and night life he continued to pursue the life of a footballer -- like all men strive to become. Working for the factory and visiting the pub every day while fitting football practice became a hard task for Bob. It took a toll on his body and it began to get monotonous wearing down on him like a dusty wind on a rock in the desert. He started to spend more of his time thinking of his future and where he felt that he needed to be. He thought to himself that it wasn't enough working a dead end job in a factory doing that awful job for the rest of his life. Bob began to think of ways he could earn money without doing much work for it. His uncle, a very smart but also very deceitful, would give Bob thoughts of how to pull off schemes that would make money fast and easy. These things consisted of going to England, dressing up in several layers of clothes to add weight to their appearance, color their skin black to conceal their true skin color, then robbing a booky and taking all the money that had been bet earlier that day. Another scheme was to set up a phone line much like a 1-800 number with a made-up name and information. When you call these numbers you have to pay for the phone call. After that was set up they would dress like mail carriers and go to different business buildings acting as if they were delivering a package. When they would get to the office of the business they would ask the secretary if there was a package that was supposed to be sent to this address for another address. When the secretary would say no the impersonator of the mail carrier would ask to use the phone and call this set up number. When they would use the businesses phone to call the fake phone line it would rack up a big phone bill and pay the phony phone line and the cons would drop the phone line and move on to the next area. Bob realized how much work that would take and thought to himself that it wasn't worth it. He began to think of more practical things he could do with his life. A very far off idea popped into his head: America.

Achilles’s Last Stand

Mitchell Allgood

February 12, 2007

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How many times has this happened to you: You are minding your own business, driving your 18-wheeler, going on three months now of a crank induced stupor with no sleep, and it hits you -- you never really cared for Albuquerque, ...

The European 2

Ross Ellis

February 12, 2007

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Bob was still enslaved by the work that his father had so generously lured him into when he was younger, but now he could actually think for himself. He wanted new things, a better place where he felt like he was accomplishing...

Disfunction Junction

Marie Martin

February 5, 2007

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Tonight, Dorothy Sheedy died. Dorothy was an evangelical Christian who had the bumper sticker, "I brake for the rapture," on her car. Unfortunately, this was her undoing. She saw blow-up dolls floating into the sky and immediately screech...

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